Aspirational identities: closing the distance between who I am and who I want to be

One of my all-time favorite quotes comes from a 2019 Jonathan Safran Foer book talk when he shared that it feels really good to “close the distance between who you are and who you want to be.” This quote has become my personal and professional north star – a constant pursuit of self-improvement in alignment with my values.

Where I’ve felt stuck in that pursuit is reckoning with my privileged identities. I hold basically every advantaged social identity: white, male, cishet, able-bodied, neurotypical, upper middle class, etc. I’m aware of how much those identities afford me, most notably access, opportunity, and an unencumbered life.

In many ways I am defined by those identities, but my social identities don’t feel like something I want to lean into. I don’t think embracing whiteness or masculinity is helpful. I see no reason to be proud of being wealthy or able-bodied, just as there’s no reason to feel shame for holding these identities. Although a positive spin is that I can “use my privilege for good,” that doesn’t satisfy a particularly clear vision for how I see myself and what I can aspire to each day.

Enter aspirational identities. Aspirational identities are the “me I want to be.” They don’t replace our social identities, but they provide a clearer compass for how we can show up in the world. Consider this rewriting of my identities that combines my social identities with aspirational ones:

• White antiracist

• Male feminist

• Cisgender ally to trans and nonbinary people

• Heterosexual advocate for queer people

• Wealthy anti-capitalist

• Able-bodied ally to people with disabilities

These identities pair my privilege with my intent, pulling me from guilt to action. Layering “antiracist” alongside “white” means that I see more clearly how to use my privilege. Layering in “feminist” gives my gender identity purpose. The words “ally” and “advocate” (imperfect terms, to be sure) push me to help expand the privileges and opportunities of others. And these aspirational identities can exist for anyone, regardless of their social identity – you don’t need to look far to find female feminists and BIPOC antiracists!

It is easy to be stuck in the guilt and shame of holding privilege, which often results in inaction, complacency, and further power hoarding. With aspirational identities, it’s easier to both confront the socialized reality of my identities while also asking, “so what?”

As I grapple with the life-long journey of understanding who I am, aspirational identities keep me on a path towards finding a beautiful synthesis of my layers of self. They help me shift my self-love to another dimension, and explore a better direction and purpose for my life that ultimately gets me closer to the me I want to be.